I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
