by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
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The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
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Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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