why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
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