some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
