we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
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