At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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