everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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