My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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