I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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