True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
