a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Randomize
