Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
why do cheetos always look like penises
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
