I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
