I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
