i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
