1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I think a kid would responsible me up
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
