Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
