Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
