Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
