Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Randomize
