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the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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