get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
