What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I met the friendliest cop last night
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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