i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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