I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
