Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
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