Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
