I accidentally had phone sex last night
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
