That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
And then my night got REAL pukey
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
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