Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
