and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
