I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Randomize
