Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
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