I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
