Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
