Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
