last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
