Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
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My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
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oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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