I CAN MOONWALK!
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
