I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
