Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
