I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
