if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
