I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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