woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
