I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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