i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
