he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
only you would photoshop your dick
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Randomize
