I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
