We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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