sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
