Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
