I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
