They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
