can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
i need some magic done to my vagina
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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