I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
