I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
