I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
