You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
