I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
